Just for today, maybe only once, do something different. Humans are creatures of habit. Many of us find ourselves in a rut of everyday living. Just for today, I invite you to stretch your brain; shake things up a bit; get its attention. Drive to work taking a different route. Eat somewhere or something different for lunch. Walk a different path through your house. Set your alarm ten minutes earlier just to listen to the silence of the early morning. Get dressed and put on make-up before you ever leave the bedroom. Go to bed an hour early just to read. Teach yourself to crochet. The possibilities are endless on what to do.

Let’s take this vow one step further, What if I challenge you to respond to one thing differently, rather than react. What if, when someone asks you how you are doing, you told the truth? What if, when someone says they are doing fine, you asked them how they are *really* doing? What if, when someone makes you the punch-line to a joke to make themselves feel better, you don’t laugh along and instead tell them there is no need to make you the butt of jokes. What if, when someone’s opinion is different than yours, you invite them to educate you on their point of view. You will be amazed at what you learn about yourself and others.

You are more inclined to see the magnificent beauty of this world that is all around you, when you skew your vision just a tiny bit.

Do you ever find yourself paying attention....to yourself?
Or are you mostly paying attention to other people, tv shows, the radio, or your thoughts?
What about paying attention to how your body responds to all of these things to which you are giving your attention.
Your body never lies. That is why someone who clearly understands body language knows exactly what is going on, despite what is being said.
Just for today - just for the next measly ten seconds, I invite you to stop reading, close your eyes, and see what your body is doing.
Do you have a head ache? Are you hungry? Does your throat hurt? Where are your shoulders? Any tension in your back?
Every sensation you feel is a signal. Your body is telling you something. Pay attention. If you don’t pay attention, your body will attempt to send these signals again at a more intense level. It will continue to do this, until you listen.
Have you had a nagging headache? Migraines? A rash? Acne? Nausea?
If you think these signals are being “fixed” by medication, OTC or otherwise, you are not really paying attention.

Just for today, I vow to listen to my body when it sends signals. I agree to ask what is *really* going in my life that my body is reacting to.

A struggle I experience often in recent days stems from my nightly battles with my precious 9-month old daughter. I breast-feed and co-sleep with her, making the breast ever-available to her as she pleases. This works for us and makes me feel good about nourishing her as completely as I can in this delicate beginning.

The problems begins when I want to release her from my breast, roll over and catch at least a little sleep on the other side of my body. She may allow this for forty-five minutes or forty-five seconds, and I have no idea what it is defendant upon - sometimes she lets me, sometimes the answer is: No! And you turn yourself right around and be unquestioningly available to me right this second!

I may pause and will (with all my might) my husband to try and calm her. Or I may just do as she demands and turn right around without questioning. Well, that isn’t entirely true. I’m always questioning: What do you want now, What is wrong with you, why won’t you let me sleep, why, why why?!

The truth is, it doesn't’t matter why, and there is certainly nothing wrong with her. In fact, the problem is not outside of myself. It’s all right here, in me, in a pretty little package called Resistance. And why do I resist? What do I resist? Does resisting ever work in the long run? Does resistance ever help me sleep more hours at a time, in whatever position I choose?

Nope. Not at all. In fact, resistance makes my blood boil. It raises my blood pressure, heart rate, and brings me close to a state of rage. It makes me miss the miracle of the moment: My daughter wants me. She wants her mommy; she wants my nearness, my smell, my heart beat, my milk (her milk?). She just wants her mommy.

Why would I deny her that? How much longer will she want her mommy? How much longer before she wants to sleep in her big girl bed in her own bedroom?

Motherhood shows me - several times a day - how selfish I still am. “What about me?! What about my time?!” It simply does’t cut it anymore. For a very short time in my life, I have children who are small, delicate, curious, and watching everything I do and say. I choose to open to the possibility of experiencing miracles on a daily basis through what shows up in my life.

Today I vow not to resist. When my son pulls my hand, saying, “Come on, Mommy.” And when my daughter dive-bombs for my chest, or nuzzles into my neck, I will not resist. Just for today.

I waste too much energy on being upset when someone does not do what I say, acknowledge what I say, or listen to what I say. I know this is triggered from getting what I deem so little attention as a child. So I have this trigger. And I carry it with me on my sleeve or on my shoulder throughout my days. I read something or hear something and the words go through this trigger before they get to my brain. So before my brain has an opportunity to process the words, it is already reacting via my trigger.

This is called “Taking It Personally”. When someone says -or does not say - something to me, I make assumptions. Based on (one of) my particular triggers, I am assuming I am not worth a response, or time, or love. I base my entire self-worth on whether or not someone pays attention to me, i.e. listens to me.

Many year ago, I read a remarkable, life-altering book called The Four Agreements.

The Second Agreement is:

Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

My, oh my. How much suffering I cause myself by allowing the action - or inaction - of others to define Who I Am.

I love to learn and share what I learn with others. And when I learn something that I find so significant and potentially beneficial to ones health - especially for children - I get really really angry when people not only do not listen - or even investigate what I am saying, but they completely dismiss me.

I am often stunned at how Western minded we Western people are. When my “alternative” suggestions are completely dismissed, I want to scream, “Do you not see any other way? Do you really think there are no other options? I am telling you about an option. Just give it a shot! Stop medicating your children; You are only masking symptoms. Find the root of the problem and fix it! Stop feeding your children crap with an ingredient list longer than the Constitution! Stop the sugar, the soda, the DAIRY, the artificial colors and flavors!”

I know. I know. Tone it down, Katie. Reel it in. Take a deep breath.

Back on track. What was I saying... oh yes, I vow to not take It personally.

What could It be, that I would take personally.

Well, I’ll give a few recent personal examples. I heard a friend’s daughter was scheduled to have surgery to get tubes put in her ears. This mother was very scared. I wrote to her and asked if she would consider rescheduling the surgery for three weeks later and in the meantime cut out all dairy from her daughter’s diet. I tried to explain the research I had discovered and how I felt this was a great opportunity to just see before her daughter was placed under anesthesia and had plastic tubes popped through her ear drums.

Alas, no response. Several days later I received a blasted email on how great everything went.

And I get so angry! In fact - here’s a confession - just in writing this article I have had to walk away, do something else and erase a whole lot of angry words. I just take it all so personally! Why won’t people just pause and think for a moment. Do some research. Stop listening to what the man behind the curtain, I mean, the white coat, says!

Think! If you are afraid of having your child go through surgery, then don’t do it. Just wait as you look through and try other alternatives.

There I go again. Looks like I’ll have to come back to this subject one day.

Today I vow to not take IT personally. And if I do, know that I am loved anyway.

I have felt drained and uninspired these last few days. Last night, I started writing in my journal. I found a few different things draining my energy.

We recently met some neighbors. They are so super-nice and have very similar ideas and concepts about child birth and vaccines. So I immediately thought, “Yay! We are going to get along great.” And I think we will.

Yesterday we went to their house for a couple hours. They had some friends over, two other couples. Super-nice, all of them.

I found myself feeling envy. They owned this ten-acre parcel and split it into five, two-acre parcels. They designed and built their own house and the two other houses. One of which is ours. They have a beautiful home that looks so lived in and loved. They have two amazing children, which she home-schools. And they just adopted a baby girl a couple weeks ago. They were sharing pictures of a trip to Mexico, and spoke of camping and fishing and a boat.

The women have nice clothes, perfect hair and makeup. I felt like such a frump.

In six years, Chris and I have only been on a few vacations. They seem to be financially stressful, if I recall. We certainly have not been to Mexico, do not own a boat (or quads). I usually don’t bother with makeup and I have an aversion to spending a lot (or even a moderate amount of) money on clothes for myself or the kids.

I’m picking up on something as I read through this: I am creating my own experience. I refuse to spend money, because I have a deep-seated belief that money is limited and that I do not deserve it. One of my earliest memories is of being a child, maybe 8, and asking my mother what was wrong while she was arguing with my father, she responded with anger, “There’s $7 in the bank account.” I was unable to process that message to mean anything other than we have no money. I think a seed was planted in that moment. We have no money became a theme that would define the rest of my life.

The belief in lack spilled over into every aspect in my life. I’m not good enough to apply for that job. I’m not good enough for that school. I’m not good enough to audition for that play. I’m not good enough to take singing lessons or join the church choir. I’m not good enough to ask for more in my relationships. I’m not good enough to own nice clothes. I’m not good enough that the Universe will provide for me.

These have laid such a horrific foundation and as I approach my mid-30’s, I am absolutely tired of it. I am tired of feeling this way. I am tired of being envious of my friends who go to to Hawaii every single year. I am tired of the same friends who spend several weeks in Maine every Christmas. I am tired of being so envious of these friends. I am tired of instantly feeling Lack and Unworthiness when I hear of their travels or new cars.

I am worthy. There is nothing about me that does not deserve all the Universe has to offer. There is nothing about the Universe that picks and chooses whom will receive abundance.

Today I Vow to believe in my own worth.

Early in my journey of grief after the death of my son, someone said to me, “Be gentle to yourself.” I had never been told that before and those words had a profound effect on my heart. It gave me permission to take off the caretaker hat and allow myself to feel the pain, anger, and resentment tied up in burying my first born son. I was allowed to feel this pain and just be with it. I didn’t have to judge it or be mad that I was feeling mad. I could just be. And I could envision a bigger and complete aspect of myself holding the broken parts of my heart in a gentle and loving way:

“There. There, Katie. I am so very sorry for your loss. Allow me to just hold you. I have no words; words are trivial now. I have no magic potion to take the hurt away; it just hurts.”

Be gentle to myself?! Why wasn’t I told this before.

Why, as a child, feeling the sadness of a broken or lost toy, was I not told, “Be Gentle to Yourself, feel the pain. It is very sad; feel that sadness.”

As a teenager with a broken heart, “Be Gentle to Yourself, you are experiencing a lot of pain, just feel it. I’m sorry.”

As a young woman going through my first divorce, “Be gentle to yourself. You feel scared and hurt, just feel the fear and the pain.”

But as a young woman who buried her firstborn son, I was told, “Be gentle to yourself. Your heart has experienced a wordless atrocity. Your soul is searching for its missing piece and its missing Peace. Be kind.”

When I became a member of the bereavement community, it didn’t take long to learn there was nothing anyone could say that would take my pain away. And those who are not a part of this realm are too quick to say thoughtless things. In our society, silence is not a revered attribute. In fact, if there is silence, most times it is assumed there is something wrong and therefore must be fixed...with words.

The most helpful words were the ones that gave me permission to feel whatever I was feeling; The words that took me off the hook. And reminded me of the magnitude of what I was really going through.

The literal meaning of the word bereaved is “robbed” stemming from the verb to reave (Old English reafian) meaning "to rob".

As of yet, there is no other word that is more befitting the death of a child; my arms, heart, soul, senses, and my daily life were robbed of my child.

What more can a woman do when left with empty arms, a grieving heart, a searching soul, a brooding mind?

Be gentle with yourself.

The things you do not have to say make you rich.
Saying the things you do not have to say weakens your talk.
Hearing the things you do not need to hear dulls your hearing.
And the things you know before you hear them, these are you, and this is why you are in the world.
~ William Stafford, Crossing Unmarked Snow

Recall the last time you were crying. Not just expressing tears but absolutely sobbing in pain. Where your body wants to be at the lowest physical point and wails are escaping your mouth with no control whatsoever. Your head hurts with the pressure of holding back so you scream louder to release the pain along with the energy of the sadness.

Did it help to have someone else there? Did it help to have someone there shoving tissue in your face? Did it help to have someone saying, “It’s OK” over and over again? Did it help to hear platitudes such as, You’ll be fine; Everything happens for a reason; You’ll be stronger now; God never gives you what you can’t handle...

Ugh, I’m feeling nauseous just thinking about it.

I personally find it more helpful to either be alone with no one around to judge the depth, length, or display of my sadness. Or for someone to be around but just to offer me a hand or a hug. Don’t even shove tissue at me! And don’t say a word, not a single word unless it is simply, “I’m sorry.”

This culture is stereotypically aversive to silence. But is there anything truly wrong with sitting in silence with someone else and just being? Let us not forget we are Human Beings before we are problem solvers.

This is not to say we should ignore when someone is in pain. I would love to see each of us open our hearts to everyone we come in contact with. Not to be confused with opening our mouths and pouring nonsense about. We don’t need to speak at all. Just open your heart and know the person across from you is probably in just as much pain as you are.

I have as much rage as you have
I have as much pain as you do
I've lived as much hell as you have
and i've kept mine bubbling under for you.
~"Sympathetic Character", Alanis Morissette

Today I Vow to choose silence in tender moments of another’s pain.

The quickness of her response and the anger and defensiveness in her voice were indication that she had not yet become present enough to look within and to disentangle her reaction from the event and observe them both.
~ A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle, pg. 39

How often have we reacted quickly and with “anger and defensiveness”? (Hand raised) Me! Me! Me! I do this often.
I’m not proud but I am humble and I know when to apologize and when to concede. I’m also trying to get a grasp on when it’s not worth arguing because the other person simply wants to argue and wants to be right. Which draws my ego to the surface and claims, “No! I’m right!”

The amount of energy we spend on proving our sides of the story is astounding. We lose sleep, we lose time, we lose, lose, lose, trying desperately to prove we are right, right, right.

Sometimes letting things go is an act of far greater power than defending or hanging on.
~ A New Earth, Eckhart Tolle, pg. 41

Now think of a time when you released the need to be right - when you ignored the Ego - and you just released. If you can’t recall doing this, please give it a try at some point today when you notice you are locked in a struggle with someone else. What you will notice is your shoulders will drop, the tightness in your chest will release, tension in your face and head will melt away and you will be able to inhale fully.

And your heart will open and be filled with compassion and love. You may not recognize it as such, but that’s what has happened.

Today I Vow, when I notice I am locked in struggle, to ignore my Ego and release the need to be right.

I bet you’ve heard of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s Stages of Dying. But I bet you have heard of them as referred to as the Stages of Grief. Actually they were the stages most common to dying persons, and the medical community - without Elisabeth’s blessing - began attributing the stages to grieving.

They do still apply of course. But for me, that last one - acceptance - is one I have a tough time wrapping my head around. Or maybe that’s the problem: I’m letting my head handle the grief-work. My head also tells me if I accept my son’s death, then it means it was OK, or that I’m OK with it. But it isn’t and I’m not.

Several years ago I was attending a MISS Conference and I heard a speaker. It was a man, but that’s all I can recall (sorry!) He spoke of replacing the word acceptance with another A-word: accommodate. This was a light-bulb moment for me. Accommodate Blake’s death. I can do that; easier than accepting it at least.

What does accommodate mean to me? Let’s look at the definitions given on Dictionary.com:

1. to do a kindness or a favor to; oblige; to accommodate a friend.
2. to provide suitably; supply (usually fol. by with): to accommodate a friend with money.
3. to lend money to: Can you accommodate him?
4. to provide with a room and sometimes with food.
5. to furnish with accommodations.
6. to have or make room for: Will this elevator accommodate 10 people?
7. to make suitable or consistent; adapt: to accommodate oneself to circumstances.
8. to bring into harmony; adjust; reconcile: to accommodate differences. –verb (used without object)
9. to become adjusted or adapted.
10. to become reconciled; agree.

I have no connection until I get to number 6: to have or make room for.

Yes, I can make room for Blake’s death just as I make room in my heart for the memory of his pregnancy, his birth, and his first seventeen months of life.... I make room in my heart.

Then I get to definition number 8: to bring into harmony; adjust; reconcile. Although I don’t know if I can “bring into harmony”, I feel as though I can adjust and maybe even reconcile.

I am drawn to the word reconcile. To me, to reconcile is a way to accept something without a reason. I will never have a reason why Blake died that day. I will never have a reason why, with the severity of my injuries have I recovered as much and as well as I have (although that’s subjective.) I can never give or have the reason why that particular driver was behind the wheel of her truck and why she ran the red light that hit our car. So all I am left to do is reconcile that I will simply never know, and that will have to be what it is.

I will have to accept, accommodate, and reconcile the not knowing. What choice do I have?

My mentor on this journey questioned me early on: if you had God, or whomever you offer your prayers to, sitting in front of you and you were told the reason why, would it make a difference? Would you still not long for your child day in and day out? Would you not question ‘why me’?

This can all be applied on a much smaller scale. Divorce, illness, deceit, infidelity; traffic jams and you’re late for work...

Can you reconcile with the situation? It is what it is.
Can you adjust? Are there any actions I can take to change the situation? Can I look at it differently?
Can you make room? Open your heart, there is room. There is always room for love.

Today I vow, to accommodate a situation I have resisted.

Sometimes, the most compassionate thing to do is to say nothing at all.

In reading A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle, I am learning a great deal about the Ego and how powerful it is. I am making huge realizations regarding my own Ego and the mechanisms it uses to stay afloat. I am being taught simple truths about the Ego that explain a great deal about how I spend my energy each day.

In Chapter 3, The Core of Ego, Eckhart teaches:

The central core of all your mind activity consists of certain repetitive and persistent thoughts, emotions, and reactive patterns you identify with most strongly. This entity is the ego itself.

To uphold the I-thought, it needs the opposite thought of “the other.” The conceptual “I” cannot survive without the conceptual “other.” The others are most other when I see them as my enemies. At one end of the scale of this unconscious egoic pattern lies the egoic compulsive habit of faultfinding and complaining about others. At the other end of the scale, there is physical violence between individuals and warfare between nations.

Eckhart goes on to explain that complaining about people and situations are the ego’s “favorite strategies for strengthening itself.”

As I was reading this chapter, I was having one a-ha moment after another. I was thinking about the mean lady across the street, my mother, the woman I am constantly battling with over the Internet...ego, ego, ego! I could see it so clearly! I was allowing my ego to fight with their ego. But this isn’t who we truly are at our core.

My biggest a-Ha came when I stopped looking outside of me noticing the ego in others, and I looked at myself instead. I could see clearly how out of control my own ego is. I judge and condemn others for their decisions. I offer my unsolicited “advice” and take it personally when it is not heeded. I “speak my mind” when no one asked for my thoughts and I will never back down without a fight, going to great lengths to prove I am “right.”

The Truth being, the “I” in all of those above statements is not who I Am. It is my ego. And my ego is loud, opinionated, and out of control.

My ego is so desperate to stay alive that it must prove, complain, and compare to all those around me. I can see my ego as a two-year old battered girl who is so desperate to prove her worth, she talks loudly, offering all kinds of opinions, is convinced her way is the right way, throws tantrums when no one listens to her...all the while she is silently crying out, “Please love me?”

Don’t take the ego too seriously. When you detect egoic behavior in yourself, smile. At times you may even laugh. How could humanity have been taken in by this for so long? Above all, know that the ego isn’t personal. It isn’t who you are. If you consider the ego to be your personal problem, that’s just more ego.

Today I Vow to Pay Attention to when my ego is taking over and Bite my Tongue when the ego is trying to say something.

“Leap and the net will appear.”

I’m often caught up in the “What am I here for?” question. When I was a single mother to Blake I had a moment where I “knew” my reason for living was to be Blake’s mommy. Then when he was gone from this earth, I had no idea why I was alive. Somedays I still don’t know; even remarried with two living children, I can still feel lost.

I have a lot of fear; Fear of failure, fear of success. Fear of rejection and of feeling like an idiot. Fear of feeling stupid and being called out. I have a strong fear that I will run out of money.

I fear failure the most; I am so scared I will fail as a mother. I’m scared I will never forgive my mother, more scared my kids will someday not forgive me. Scared I will fail as a wife (again.) Scared I will not find nor fulfill the purpose for which I am here. I wonder if I am more scared I will succeed.

Scared. Scared. Scared. Leaves me Stuck. Stuck. Stuck.

When I fear every step of the journey, I never take a step. When I never take a step, I move nowhere and I remain stuck.
When I remain stuck, I am unable to experience all the world has available to me. It’s all waiting right there on the other side of the door.

There is no lack in the Universe; it’s impossible. There is only limited thinking. There is no need to be envious of anyone else, for they do not “deserve” their prosperity any more or any less than I do. I deserve everything just as much as they do. And if I truly believed that - if I stopped replaying the same stunting tapes in my head over and over - I would have the prosperous and inspiring experience that is mine and waiting for me.

Today I Vow to be open to the Path made available to me. I Vow to take the first step knowing that success is the only outcome and in the end, it is all Good.

Ernest Holmes in the “The Science of Mind” text reminds us

Thoughts are Things

Many other great teachers have reminded us of such. And yet, we let our thoughts control our experience, we allow our thoughts to define who we think we are. We create hell on earth for ourselves and others via our thoughts.

“Worry, fear, anger, jealousy, and other emotional conditions, are mental in nature, and as such are being recognized as the hidden cause of a large part of all the physical suffering to which the flesh is heir. A normal healthy mind reflects itself in a healthy body, and conversely, an abnormal mental state expresses its corresponding condition in some physical condition.”

Our thoughts are powerful things. You can feel a change in your physical body simply based on a thought that goes through your mind. When you reminisce of a sweet experience or when you feel regret or resentment, you are sending that energy into the Universe and asking (unconsciously) that more of that same energy be brought to you.

The movie The Secret gives a great visual example of waves of emotions emanating from us and drawing more of the same energy at all times.

Every event and experience we feel throughout our days are neutral in themselves, it is our reaction to them - based on our histories - that give them their positive or negative spin.

“There is nothing neither good nor bad. But thinking makes it so.” ~ Shakespeare

Today I vow to be aware of what my thoughts are creating around me.

When you are in a dialogue with a good friend, do you find yourself telling the same story over and over? Do you hear the words regarding the thoughtlessness of your spouse? The anger your parents displayed? The rudeness of the cashier or the bank teller? The annoying actions of your children?

Do you hear your friend telling the same stories as well?

How many times do you need to tell the story? Do you think if you tell it enough times, it will heal? Or if you tell it over and over and if others agree with you enough, then it means you were “right”?

What would it mean to be right? What does it mean if others agree with you?

Do we not get so attached to the story, that we don’t know why we are telling it?

And what is The Story? Is it not your version of an event? And isn’t your version of the event different from someone else’s version, since we each interpret every event based on our own experiences, filters, and judgments?

When we attach ourselves to a story we insist on telling over and over, we define Who We Are by the story we tell. This illusion can seem very real to us. Well who am I, we ask, if not the events that happen in my life?

Let me tell you, you are not your story. You are above your story. You are beyond the experiences of your daily life.

You are more. Deeper. Higher. You are all-knowing. You are Grace. Peace. Wisdom.

Don’t let the stories you tell define you. Stop telling the story and you will make room to see Who You Really Are.

Today I Vow to listen to the stories I tell and not define myself by them.

When life comes at you, as it does, and you feel yourself wanting to defend yourself against a person or a circumstance, what if you allowed it to pass through you instead of resisting?

When something is said and we feel ourselves get red hot, as if a thermostat was turned up inside, and we immediately feel anger and want to attack and retaliate what is happening is our Ego has built a wall. Whenever something comes along that our Ego can use to grow in power, it pushes the wall closer to the surface so little else can enter; things like logic, peace, non-resistance, all the things that are a threat to the Ego.

Instead, imagine that you are transparent and everything that comes along easily passes through you. You don’t resist and you don’t defend. Better yet, you are not strengthening the Ego.

The experiences we have in our day to day life often have very little to do with Who We Are at our core. But we can always act from this core instead of our surface: the Ego. This aspect of us that takes everything personally, that loves to gossip and attack others in order to build itself up. This human condition that is widely accepted as a justification: That’s the way that I am.

I’m here to tell you, you are not your Ego. At your core - the essence of Who You Are - is peace and the only realness about you is Love.

The only thing that is real about anyone is Love. When someone treats you unkindly, it is their Ego as well. The trick is to practice seeing this facade before your Ego gets a chance to react.

Today I Vow to be transparent and not allow my Ego to react to the Ego of other

What does worry get you? More problems to worry about.
Worry pretends to be useful, but is actually useless and causes more problems.

"It makes no sense to worry about things you have no control over because there's nothing you can do about them, and why worry about things you don't control? The activity of worrying keeps you immobilized."
- Dr. Wayne Dyer

We are human BEings. What harm would it being if we just were? If we were fully Present in every moment. If we sat with our children and allowed them to feel our presence.

What if we allowed negative thoughts to flow through us and stop and set up camp?

What if we embraced the silence between the thoughts in our head?

Did you know the majority of thoughts you have all day are the same thoughts you had the day before?

That really bothers me to know I am basically stagnant in my thinking. What kind of evolution is that? If I am not learning and practicing lessons regarding my own happiness, then what am I doing all day?

If I am not incorporating new ways in which to be a mother, ways that I think are better for my children and treats them with respect and honor, then what am I teaching them?

Today I Vow to Be. To just Be in this Moment.

I don’t know if I canhave faithso much as I can trust it. I’ve had faith before and it was amazing what it manifested.

The most amazing display of this unwavering faith was after we decided to move from Huntington Beach (yes, it’s great place to visit but I had no interest in raising kids there.) After a great deal of research and investigative work, we decided to move to Prescott Valley, AZ. So we started looking for houses online. In inquiring about a particular house we met a really wonderful real estate agent in the area.

He worked hard for us. And we are so grateful. Certain circumstances took us to Phoenix for a few days so we decided to drive up to PV and meet with the agent. We looked at many many houses but found nothing that grabbed us.

On another trip we intended to look at just one. Afterwards, our agent convinced us to look at one more. And that was the one. We knew it. We went home and put an offer on it the next day. Keep in mind, our house was still on the market in Huntington Beach and had been for several months.

But I had a knowing; an unwavering knowing that our house would sell the next week. And guess what: it did.

These days, when I feel myself not having faith, I think of that time an wonder how on earth was I so sure? What was I thinking putting an offer on a house without selling the one we had?! It was madness.

“Faith is a knowledge within the heart,
beyond the reach of proof.”
~ Kahlil Gibran

So there it is, that quote says it all. “Beyond the reach of proof.”

Today I vow to trust the Faith I know I have that is beyond the reach of proof.

If I decide to label myself as something, does that not hinder the true essence of Who I Am? Does that put me in a box to which I am then attached?

If I say to someone, "I am a bereaved mother." Does that keep me in attachment to the crash that happened eight years ago killing my first son?

Does attaching myself to one label negate all the other aspects about me? And what are these "aspects"? Are they not more labels?

What if, what I truly am can not be labeled or announced. My true self can only be momentarily observed in moments of non-judgmental observation. Can I observe my thoughts? My actions? Just for a moment. Can I check in to my feelings and see what's really going on; not what my mind is telling me is going on - that's just Ego Talk.

The ego loves labels and attachment. I strengthen my ego every time I label an aspect of myself.

Today I Vow to be aware of the labels and limitations I place on myself and others - and release them.

Yesterday I had a most unpleasant situation occur when I took my two small children to a government office to obtain a piece of legal documentation for my daughter.

My children - surprisingly - were not the problem. It was a worker at this office. I left having not obtained this documentation and instead, left shaking internally from rage I was struggling to contain in my body.

After loading the children I attempted to call my husband to vent. Not being able to reach him, I went through the phone book in my head of who I would be safe in calling. I called a girlfriend. She was also stunned by what occurred and gave me the validation I thought I needed. But only a few minutes into the phone call and I realized the bigger picture of what had happened.

I had missed a perfect opportunity to practice all I am learning while studying "A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. I had the chance to keep my ego in check and honor the moment for what it was. Instead, my ego almost instantly reared it's head screaming, "Who does she think she is talking to you like that!"

My ego took everything personally and sought only to defend itself and prove itself right in the entire situation. Hence, me telling many friends about what had happened asking, "Can you believe this happened to me? Can you believe I was treated like that?"

The bigger lesson here though is that it only took me a couple of minutes to realize what had happened and where *I* went wrong - not the woman behind the counter whose ego is obviously a lot louder than mine. So I choose to be aware for the next opportunity and cut that time by half. With enough practice, there will be little to no time between the trigger and my realizing the opportunity standing before me. And I will be able to respond to the situation in kindness and without the ego, always remaining in the present moment.

"Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness."

~ Eckhart Tolle

Today I Vow to be aware of the opportunities to practice Presence and Kindness. I make note of the time it takes from trigger to understanding and vow to cut that time by half at every chance.

How often do you feel ignored? Lonely? Insignificant? Taken advantage of?

What if I told you that moping and complaining about these feelings would only bring more of the same? What if I said, if you are telling the same story of woe to your friends and family over and over, you are attached to the story? What if I just called you out, right where you are and said, stop complaining!

I bet one of two things would happen. One. Your ego would take hold and get defensive, trying to prove to me the validation of your story and how wrongly you have been treated. Or Two. You might be ready to hear me, and thereby be ready to hear yourself. The real you, not your ego. Maybe, just maybe, you might be willing to give up your story.

But what do you do with the energy that has been tied up in your attachment to your story? You give it away. Not to say you hand off your negative energy to someone else; that will get you nowhere. Instead, whatever it is you feel the world is withholding, give that to someone else.

Feeling ignored? Call a friend or a relative you have not talked to since Christmas, just because. Feeling insignificant? The next woman or man you see at the grocery store struggling to corral his/her toddler, stop her to tell her you think they are doing a fantastic job (even if you don't think they are.) Feeling worthless? Give the grumpy cashier a warm smile and with the most wonderful day onto them. Feeling cheated? Put together a box full of school supplies and leave it anonymously at a school in a lower-income district around where you live.

The truth is, whatever you think the world is withholding from you, you are withholding from the world.

There are those who give with joy, and that joy is their reward.
Kahlil Gibran

We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.
Winston Churchill

Today I Vow to give something that I think the world is withholding from me.

 

Recently, I made the drastic decision to request that my mother not attempt to contact me while I figured out "how to not be angered, saddened, and disappointed by everything about our relationship."

Thankfully, without even responding, she complied. The only way I know this is because she called my husband instead of me on my daughter's first birthday, which is what I asked her to do.

After many many years of trying to accept her and my perceived limitations of her, I found simply that I needed to take some control of the situation. And although I have the intellectual understanding that my reactions are my own, I felt I really couldn't put that into practice while still being needy and disappointed at the same time in all my interactions with her.

That little girl that was rejected at such a young age cannot understand that the woman she calls "mother" was simply not capable of anything different.

Louise Hay in "You Can Heal Your Life" explains that blaming our parents is unproductive because we are all "victims of victims." Our parents were never taught, treated, or shown any different than what they showed us as parents. So is it really their "fault?" Of course not. And they may simply have not been one of those people that are born with incredible insight to realize that anything about how they were raised and how they raised their own children, was not the highest good for all involved.

So now it comes to the subject of blame. I have a feeling my mother feels I am blaming her for everything, but I am really not. My mother has always felt that bringing up anything from the past was a full blown attack on her. Which is, of course, her guilt talking. But it was never to blame. I just want acknowledgement; more so than even apologies. I just want her to say, "I'm sorry. I was wrong. I apologize and I know I hurt you."

But will that ever come? It doesn't matter. The truth is, this is all an inside job. I have a lot of work to do letting go of expectations, resentments, sadness, fears, and fixing the self-depracating messages that abound the tapes that run through my head at all times.

What she does or doesn't do is none of my business. In the meantime, I thank her for respecting my request. But I do not blame.

"Today I Vow to watch my thoughts and if I find myself blaming anyone for anything, I will stop and send compassion instead."

Being a bereaved parent is not something I signed up for. At least, not that I'm aware of. There is still a part of me that believes we all "signed up" for this journey - and all of its gritty details - before we entered this plane of existence. That way of thinking sits well in my heart and helps me justify the death of my first born son. Other justifications simply do not work for me and make me want to either vomit or roll my eyes.

God did not "need another angel". It was not an "accident" devoid of any deeper meaning. Blake may or may not be "in a better place", but that is not for anyone else to decide. How do *you* know where he is or why this happened? Furthermore, how do *you* know what God was thinking, or what the intention was?

Here, let me answer that for you. *You* don't! So stop saying these ridiculous, thoughtless, careless remarks to a grieving mother.

Although I didn't realize it at the time, for the first several years after Blake died, I was merely surviving. The day would show up - against all my begging and pleading for it not to - and I would pay my dues, all the while, fantasizing of the end.

I would fantasize the end of everything, and of each little detail: The end of the day. The end of my pain. The end of my life. The end of someone's distracting visit. The end. The end. The end. I just wanted it all to end.

The only things I didn't want to end were my counseling sessions and the support groups I was attending.

I have no idea when the shift occurred from surviving to thriving, but right at about a year after the crash I knew I wanted to do more for the MISS Foundation. MISS was available to me through the greatest tragedy known to mankind. It was my lighthouse. It was my lifeline. I had to give back. I had to find an outlet for all the energy arising from the sadness, frustrated maternal instincts, and mostly, the anger.

I had a great deal more grief work to do myself before I could start helping others. So in the meantime, I offered to help with anything administrative. I also harnessed my husband's amazing talents and compassion as a graphic artist and volunteered him for anything I could. (He was a brand new boyfriend at the time. Go figure.)

I'm trying to think. I still have no idea when the shift really occurred, because for many years I felt empty. Someone would point out something beautiful or spectacular: a piece of art, a flower, a sunset, and I wouldn't even bother looking because I just didn't care.

Eventually I started taking notice of trees and flowers. The sunsets regained their color. The sky had many stories to tell and eventually, I started to listen again.

It was all just baby steps. Putting one foot in front of the other. Breathe in. Breathe out.

I wish I had a magical potion or some incredible words of wisdom, but I don't. The most magical words I heard on my journey were: Just get through the next five minutes. If after two minutes, you are losing it again, start the clock over. Just get through the next five minutes.

Peace and Grace on your journey, wherever you are.

Today I Vow to make it through the next five minutes. Eventually Life will find me and I will thrive.