Why won’t that heartbreak leave me alone?!

I dated Dan for five weeks just about two years ago, but dammit all, if I can’t get that hurt out of my heart!

The hurt of that breakup was excruciating; I cried every single day for longer than we had dated until a good friend pointed out, “He wasn’t worth that much energy.”

In the past two years I have watched my thoughts return to him constantly, and they change often. The fantasies in the beginning were of me always wishing he would call me, or better yet, show up at my house, saying he had made a huge mistake and please, can we make this work. Even as I dated other men, I thought of him every single day, pining for him.

There were also times when I saw so clearly how wrong we were for each other, and how I wish I would have had any instinct within me screaming, “RUN the other way!” When I could see there was a bright burning red flag almost every single time we saw each other. And every time I took the flag and set it aside with all the others, until finally, they fell into a massive inferno that imploded on itself.

When I met him I was finishing up my first semester back in college, wrapping up my undergraduate degree, struggling through precalculus. There was a morning when I was studying on the balcony and I sat back, for a moment, saying, “I’m doing it! I can’t believe I’m actually doing it.” He brought me back to reality by reminding me, “the semester isn’t over. You haven’t done anything….yet.”

When he decided he couldn’t take being in a relationship with me (again. After deciding the same thing the week prior), and I subsequently said to him, “I’m out”, I was still wrapping up the same semester. I aced the precalculus final exam, with tears in my eyes, I had never felt so lonely in my life for a partner to share the good news with. I called my girlfriend and told her the news. It was helpful, but it wasn’t the same.

I went on to graduate with honors and two years after that short lived bonfire romance, I am now in graduate school. The campus is located downtown, which is my favorite place to be. My internship takes me into the federal courthouse two days a week….where Dan works. Every single time I enter that building I frantically look for him. Hoping or fearing to run into him, I can’t decide which.

 

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